Let’s make this clear: the snakes, the monkeys and the elephants swallowed our brains. The story of snake and monkeys swallowing money were big little lies from the basest pit of hell, a kind of propaganda to humble our already humiliated Nigerian spirit. It was generated by Old Nick to increase his ever growing, ever reliable, ever ridiculous Nigerian Fan Base. If the media wasn’t corrupt the truth would have been reported and we can go back to reciting fine nursery rhymes. This was what really happened. Some snakes landed on the corridors of our scalp, scanned it with a blazing slit tongue, hissed and smashed their way into our medulla to suck some juice. Not even your father was spared. From the house of thieves AKA the Nigerian Senate, to the house of future thieves AKA Looting Aspirants, to the wretched minds and wretched homes of wretched Nigerians. Sorry, I am a realist.
The monkeys helped themselves too. The state declined and so was our position in Darwin’s Evolutionary Theory. I still recall how my online friend, a Homo Erectus, lost his brain to two tall proud and sapient monkeys with the IQ of the Oligocene period. They passed a stick through his anus, broke his hymen, pulled out his rectum, some lumps of shit, bloodstains wrapped on the stick’s zigzag head. They applied a gallon of lubricating oil for ease of penetration. To and fro they rode him. His frontal lobe died. His anal cavity ruptured. His pineal gland was cemented by glue rolled around the healing cane. His stomach was reached and treated with disgust, his intestines fell out and they parted ways, his balls shrunk to the size of mustard seeds as the surgical procedure went on. Then they found a way to locate his DNA and replaced the strands with titanium chains. As he narrated the story, he laughed and wondered what happened to my sense of humour. I wondered what happened to his sense of humour. He was so sure I’ve gone dense that he prescribed gang-rape to regain my ailing sense of humour. I take life too serious, according to him.
When it was evening again, they gathered in the room to watch MTV’s RidiculousNess but they didn’t call it RidiculousNess. The image of the lady who missed her steps and fell into the ditch always elicited laughter from the people who sent her no errand. She wore broken heels and to the humour seekers her balance was good—she simply tried to balance. Walking slowly and staggering like men tiptoeing on Nigeria’s waste grounds looking for unblemished ground to blemish, she staggered with a focused face but the rapt attention she gave her movements couldn’t save her when the heels squatted and sent her into that sewage that rewarded her with dancing ankles. The humour seekers always laughed at her folly. Her foot was too weak to hold foundation. It was obvious. Her heels were too unfounded to establish balance but she did balance. Her feet were too distant to moonwalk but she did moonwalk. Her body had no propellers but she was propelled. This was humour at its finest in the eyes of the humour seekers.
The guy that brought a gun to a verbal war is another crazy comedian. He couldn’t compete with boys trying to win him in an unofficial road race but once he pulled out a gun, the score was truly uneven. The question no one asked, because it wasn’t necessary, was why he had to pull out a gun to save his 6th century ego. No one thought that having the intellectual rank of General in the Dark Ages spelled doom. It would have been a foolish question and ruined the fun. It would have added seriousness to what transpired and that wouldn’t have been funny. Any further research would have placed a damp on the joke and soiled another beautiful humour. In life, anything can be a joke, even life itself. In life, anything can be a source of humour, even death. Remember what the great, fearless, respectful, nice and funny Nigerian Soldiers did to that stubborn boy. He sagged and was asked to take one hundred blocks to the other side of the road and he obliged. He was at 95 when the Lieutenant General saw him and had pity on him. He asked why they had to treat a human being like a Bloody Civilian. He queried their humanity and devotion to national service. Then he turned to the guy and asked him to return the blocks.
Let me tell you the true meaning of RidiculousNess. For the past few days I have been hunted by the angry ghosts of dead Nigerians they said I killed. I accept. I have killed before. I am a murderer but Mosquitoes, Bedbugs, Bush rats and Cows are not Nigerians. The last time I killed a Cow I shed a tear for ending a generation of hard workers. It was ridiculous. This is what I mean. I killed one thousand cows and 73 of my people slept in caskets. We use to conspire against those animals and kill them but now they hire mercenaries in the survival of the fittest and we are outnumbered. That is ridiculous. When did we become traitors? When did we sit on the same table with these filthy lesser animals to write an inhuman constitution? So animals now drink from the same bottle water your dad sucked? Do you understand? You want to see RidiculousNess? The girls in Sambisa got married, multiplied after an excursion from Chibok. They were rewarded quite well for the roles they played and the directors won Oscars. But what is true or false, funny or serious?
On the internet there was a great discussion too. You know that logo on First Bank—the Elephant Logo, today the elephant showed up and ate all our money. The same story was told in Union Bank. The animals are evolving and the leaders of tomorrow are shutting their brains at the dawn of this Renaissance. One thousand died on a Sunday but it never had the gift of humour or the ridiculous to be spoken of in the serious native language. After the man had his brains eaten by the snake, he turned around and fetched it about Thirty-Six(36) Million Naira to digest the simple stuff. After the Senators had their brains swallowed by the rich snake, more brains were submitted for the serpent to do its serious work. Is this an Animal Farm or a Zoo like that handsome albino suggested? Why are the poor animals dying of starvation and laughing at the gory jokes of other animals dying of starvation? Is this the meaning of Nigeria? Here, dark humor, poverty, sufferings and rotten bodies are walking in high spirits. Language doesn’t matter here. This satire is not the excuse.
When you tell a joke over and over again it ceases to be funny and the endowed people around you become worried. We are still laughing at our old jokes. Like sadists, we still see nothing wrong in sourcing jokes from a place of pain and torture. The ridiculous story of the snake that swallowed money is further tightening our hold on the wheels of retardation. Young Ladies and Gentlemen, a man stole some money belonging to you, made a ridiculous story out of it and instead of outrage you are laughing. Who or what exactly are you laughing at? His stupidity, your stupidity, his future or your future? If he loaded the guns that killed babies, your communed with the trigger. Who makes jokes with things that kill and destroy them? A lunatic!
What if we showed a sense of outrage instead? What if we disagreed with the narrative and asked for something better? We did it with the Social Media Monitoring Bill and it worked. Why was there a sense of outrage by the ‘Leaders of Tomorrow’ when that Bill was read? Maybe we were afraid that our platform for creative angles of stupidity was threatened. If it was purely for love of freedom, goodness or a fight against fascism or mediocrity why aren’t we asking for the same thing now? What we are seeing is RidiculousNess on sixth sense. My State Governor prefers stealing to the smoking of marijuana. Madness! The ruling party in Nigeria is the opposition party. No planning! The same youths clamouring for a Youth President are helping spread the joke of the man who stole their future. Stupid! My President has an unconfirmed SSCE degree while his Vice is a Law Professor. Genius! 110 girls kidnapped immediately the military withdrew from Yobe, the army didn’t deny it and nobody is in court or behind bars. Incompetence! And we have a large society of internet warriors poisoning the streets and promoting bloodletting. I think that viper, or was it Cobra, or Anaconda, whatever, swallowed our brains. I’m angry.