RidiculousNess II: The Nigerian University Wars

Listening To Nigerian Students Uplift Trash

Did you see the Nigerian University Wars? They are playing in the sand again. UniLag Versus OAU, UniZik Versus FUTO. They are spitting their bitter black blood for fun again. They are representing their poorly equipped secondary schools with poorly equipped bars from the psychiatric ghettos while some of us turn these amateur rap battles into traffic and cash out. Our conscience beeps of loss of function but we put it off and attend to the ramblings of our alimentary canal. The canal controls what happens inside the skull and what transpires in there controls what we do outside. We are bloggers and the future is too bright we need binoculars to behold it. Even blind prophets like Cobhams Asoquo clearly sees that Nigerian youths are destined for Al-Jannah. The Nigerian University Wars should be a biannual tournament if this country must move forward.

When UniLag defeated OAU in a war of words, the students of that citadel promised to add it to their resume and they did. When FUTO defeated UniZik, the victorious students promised to add it to their resume and they did. There are levels to this thing called respect. There are levels in these citadels of learning and underdogs shouldn’t spring their ugly heads to contest with the top dawgs. It is a sacrilege for bush students of OAU to compare their ancient selves with the posh and civilised students of UniLag. The legendary promiscuous singer, Tuface Idibia, once said: ‘AC No Be Fan’. He was right as he spoke from his wealth of experience of many baby mamas. He knows the difference between girls, ladies and women and everyone ought to know where they belong. That is the sort of memory the Nigerian University Wars is trying to preserve.

“When students of OAU visit UniLag the first time they know they have come to the city with their village clothes but when the reverse happens, they are lucky to witness modernization. They are right. While students of OAU live on Earth the students of UniLag live on Mars. The students of UniZik are from Haiti while those of FUTO are from Britain. The students of UniLag are taught by Harvard Professors while those of OAU are from primary schools in Nigeria. The difference is clear for anyone with a brain. Like comparing the brightness of the sun and a twinkle star in a hot afternoon. FUTO is light years ahead of UniZik and if schools were cars, FUTO is a Bugatti while UniZik is a Keke Napep. I swear if schools were food companies, FUTO is MacDonald’s while UniZik is Mr Biggs. The gap is too much and the students of FUTO, like those of other the victors, do not live in Nigeria or attended to by Nigerians.


An ABU graduate is naturally ahead of you. Don’t even try to argue this before your loud stupidity awakens everyone. The lowest IQ in the university is higher than the smartest undergraduate in all tertiary institutions in the country. You shouldn’t try to overtake them because by virtue of passing through that institution they have seen and known everything you are expected to know and see in fifty years time. The institution purifies the mind and purges the Nigerian spirit deep seated at the basement. She trashes that spirit that trashes minds from this geographical part of the cosmos. How many more Presidents will ABU produce before the haters hide their flat faces in shame? Events like the Nigerian University Wars are there to remind us. We’ve seen the double entendres in the diss of their graduates and to be frank any head will agree their bars weigh more.

There are schools and there are schools. There are also undergraduates and undergraduates. A clueless undergraduate from UniLag or FUTO is different from a clueless undergraduate from OAU or UniZik. A clueless undergraduate from ABU is naturally ahead of a clueless undergraduate from either FUTO or UniLag. Your Third Class in ABU is equal to First Class in other Universities. It is not something others can help or fight against as its reach is not within their capacity. There is divine providence to this thing and like the most high said, ‘for those who have more, more will be given and those with little, even the little will be taken from them and given to those who have more’. You can’t fight God. No contest or crying about it. Take it or take it. Those around you will see the sense in your acceptance of destiny.

Only the Nigerian students who understand what education really is will appreciate the honesty in these words and only a few can discern the point of the Nigerian University Wars. Just like the holy spirit descended on Saint Peter and he saw the true face of Yehshua, if your mind is outside the region where educating and education works, you will keep making a fool of yourself. Just like when you are dead you don’t know you are dead, when you argue stupid things you don’t know how stupid you sound. The same stupid fellow who said “but you are not dead, how do you know the dead don’t know they are dead?” will see no logic in the Nigerian University Wars. Stupidity is not virtue or an ornament you proudly wear as you move around. Except you are arguing for the fun of it then we can all sit back and listen to your words of self motivation.

Polytechnic graduates shouldn’t dare come in because to be fair and honest, they don’t know what they are doing or what they want. Only dull people who are not smart enough to pass the University exams are found there. Frustrated dimwitted fellows with fake smiles and jealous hearts. Jealous of University graduates because they sincerely know they are in the mud. They know that no matter how good they are, they will always say ‘Sir’ to a University graduate. Victims of jealousy and envy and a future that is already sealed with the mark of abject poverty. They are not respected and parents who send their children to any is just digging their grave because it is a bad investment. Knowing the right thing is not good enough, doing it is the key to happiness. You can’t be wise and send your children to the polytechnic. No wonder they were not recognized in the Nigerian University Wars.

Private Universities are trash. How much suffering do they pass through? These secondary schools we call high institutions are just centres for easy life and soft training. How can fifty persons graduate with First Class Honours in a class of two hundred people and we call such thing a school? If they don’t suffer how will they know the real value of the papers they are holding in their hands? If they are treated with great civility how will they know that getting the best from people requires bad treatment and manhandling? Nobody scored an F in a class of two hundred and the person with the worst result had a D in the course. How will this country progress when the standard of education are deliberately been lowered to accommodate everyone?

The problem we have in this country is Private Universities. They don’t know that ‘we Nigerians’ generally like suffering and can only work well under pressure and torture. They don’t know that ‘we Nigerians’ need to be dealt with to get a point. This is part of us and the records of our DNA agree with this submission. Nigeria is too hard, to make things work, you have to suspend the law and act on what is right. All these show of care and love by private universities are making Nigerian youths soft. All these pampering and attention is destroying the moral fibre of the nation. A school where lecturers have to break down explanations to their students is not a university and that is what our private universities love doing.

They are turning education into a joke and if the government is wise, more effort should be put in place to check this dwarfing of the intellect. I am sure any graduate with Third Class Honours in a Federal or State university will come out with First Class Honours in private universities because it is like going back to primary school. If they try to respond to our tweets we will show them that only the best schools win the Nigerian University Wars. In my school, no matter how smart you are, you can’t score an A in some lecturers’ course. A is for God Almighty, B is for the lecturer, while C is for the brightest student. If you score an E, you should go do Thanksgiving in church because you don’t know what God has done for you. In private schools, anyone can easily get an A. Such things happen abroad not Nigerian and the two systems are different. “Exactly”, they all chorused.

I sat behind them listening, shuddering, trying to measure the quantity of trash coming out of their young mouths. I watched in shock as their veins conveyed stupidity to their hearts and their arteries hurried up to repeat the cycle. This wasn’t how the cycle works. They were young and naive but spoke with the experience of old foolish men. They had the facts mixed in fart and fat but their fiction remained whole. They knew about the deals with the authorities, how the private universities got their licenses, how the students get their A’s and First Classes, why graduates of ABU are ahead of you naturally, why FUTO and UniLag is not in the same bracket with those weak competitors and so many other how’s and why’s.

They spoke of the girls with godlike beauty in their godlike bodies and narrated how school choice brings out a girl’s beauty. They spoke of wealth and riches and the relationship between choice of school and wealth. I heard tales by moonlight narrated as nonfiction. How did we become this stupid, I wondered? I have seen shades of stupid littered in distant areas but this mass deposits of cerebral palsy outside the hospital wards, in one place, seems a zombie Apocalypse. How do I swallow this level of garbage exposed in the air, I asked? They poisoned the already defiled air with their catastrophic vituperations and truth is, I will choose body odour over this perpetual smell any day. I once perceived a bad odour that hung on my nose for weeks and I’ve been feeling the same way for days now.

I will choose the smell of decayed leg in a room filled with the bodies of dead animals over this. If this was life, I choose death now. How did we end up with terrible undergraduates and strong irrational convictions? I was still listening as they bragged about their breakthrough in the Nigerian University Wars and the Nationalist Wars. How they attacked students from other universities who tried to pose a contest, how they contact each other to destroy the pages of other poor schools and how they mobilised with other students and youths across Nigeria and attacked Kenyan youths who thought they had the foulest mouth in Africa and Ghanaians who challenged our Jellof Rice. Before stepping down from the bus I also heard them speak of other things like good governance, leadership skills, perfect human interrelationships and the beauty of education.

About Poet 163 Articles
I am Rey Alaetuo, a conscious Poet and health care professional living in Owerri, Nigeria. I am an exponent of humanism and a vigilant Poet. I am deeply interested in the propagation of positive human values and behaviour.